Ok, I know blogs can get this awful confessional tone sometimes. But here goes!
I think at present my most difficult struggle in the Christian life is with other Christians I just don't like personally. Don't worry, there aren't that many of you! The trouble with being a person who works and lives among Christians all the time is that you are bound to encounter these troublesome individuals. Somehow it feels easier to not 'click' with a non-Christian person, doesn't it? Personally, I found my years at theological college (as a student) very difficult spiritually for this reason. There were people there who I just didn't like that much.
I am amazed at the pettiness and jealousy that I so easily feel when I hear of others' success sometimes; or the inward smile at their failures. Usually, it is somehow that they are a threat; or perhaps there is the perception of a personal slight. There is a person who slighted me once in a private email some time ago now - and forgiving that person has been very hard, partly because of the triviality of the incident (I am sure they did it inadvertently). This is how trivial it is: they took a patronising tone with me.
Is there a type of person that I just don't like? I know I find ridiculous and strident dogmatism very hard to bear (believe it or not). Sometimes, if I am honest, a person I don't like has a flaw that I fear in myself: arrogance, or pomposity perhaps. I am always tempted to play down the other person in conversation with others.
How should we deal wisely with this? I think not liking everybody is ok. But we may be called upon to work together in partnership for the gospel - and what then? How do you get to a place where not liking someone doesn't spill over into terrible inner bitterness - or even turns into regard, even perhaps affection?
I have to say that there are some Christians - saintly ones in my view - who never have a bad word to say about anyone. They seem naturally to be able to cope with people's difference in a very God-like way... How did they get there?
12 comments:
This is a good issue. Sometimes Christians seem to be a bit masochistic. There is a feeling that if you don't get on with another person at church, then for some reason its your duty to spend as much time as possible with that person.
I was talking to a friend at church about this. He felt guilty because he just didn't like spending time with person x. But I pointed out that there were people who enjoyed talking to x, and that he had good relationships with different people at church. We can't be equally good friends with everyone. No need to feel guilt.
Regarding forgiveness, thats a great question. It is something I have had to struggle with personally with regards to my ex-wife. She took from me absolutely everything that I cared about. How do I, as a Christian, respond to that?
You certainly gain an element of perspective through an experience like that. Things that used to really bug me I just shrug off now.
But sometimes with forgiveness we try to forgive too soon. As Christians we know we should forgive, so we say "I forgive you" immediately.
But forgiveness is a journey, not an instantaneous act. It was even a journey for God - a journey to Calvary.
I tried to forgive Alison too soon. About 4 or 5 times in the first 12 months I said to her "I have forgiven you." And then, not long after, I would do things that would show that I hadn't!
To forgive, I think you need to first fully experience the hurt rather than try and cover it up. Then you need to have a heart that says to God "Help me to forgive." Finally you need to repent each time you think, say or do evil to the person.
It is a journey - and it can be a long journey. You will know you have arrived when you can think of person x and sincerely wish them good.
It was about 3 years ago that Alison ended our marriage. I think I am not far away from complete forgiveness.
Thanks for that honesty Craig... sounds like a tough road.
The issue is more petty I am afraid - but probably more common.
Hi Michael,
You've been blogging and talking over the net for a little while, and our paths are only just crossing.
Time to chime in.
First -- Craig. Big issues Craig. I don't know you [at least I don’t think I do]. But your comment makes me want to find out more who you are and what makes you tick! But I live in New York. You’ve been down a hard road.
It’s true that to truly forgive, one must: "stare at the sin full in the face and feel its horror." Then we can forgive someone. Otherwise, what are you really saying is not "I forgive you", but "I don't mind" -- two very separate actions. God, in Christ, stares at the sin full in the face and bares its horror. I hope things continue to work out for you for good.
Michael -- We all know your experience! I certainly do.
I found one particular person difficult many years back. No sin, just a very different person than I was. I confided this to my MTS trainer. He said -- and this has stuck in my mind until today -- "Well, maybe God will be able to do something unique and extraordinary through that person precisely because he is like that. God may do something that he would not do through you.'
So changed my perspective. I think about that comment most days even today. It still takes some time to re-examine my heart. But I try to tell myself that God has a different perspective than me. Maybe he made that person a certain way to do something that he might not do though me. I found that helpful.
Thems my thoughts.
But dealing with sin is harder... [Although sometimes it doesn’t feel that way].
By the way. This is the first time I contributed to a Blog or a Forum of any kind. I'm afraid that if someone responds to my comment, then I'll get sucked in to a world I'm not sure I'm ready for. So do me a favour and avoid comment! :)
Back to work...
Yes I think perhaps all we have is the promise of God and we have to cling to that in the face of not liking other people we should like.
I think you can say, "I don't like you - yet. Because I haven't seen yet what it is about you that I am supposed to like. Not yet!"
By the way, if you are someone who doesn't like me, feel free to speak about that here! I assume it is not all one way traffic!
G'day Michael,
I think that firstly we need to be humble enough to recognise we are human and not perfect and that we do indeed recognise this trait in us.
Then we need to work out why it is we dislike the person, is it the beginning of a demonic attack trying to keep two people apart from forming a friendship, partner together for fruitful and effective ministry / work etc. There have been times when i have been filled with annoyance with someone for apparent no reason and have told the devil to get and those thoughts have fleed from me.
Also perhaps God is allowing you to see a weakness in a brother, so that you can pray for them, to be strengthened and overcome that weakness, and indeed we can do this without being judgemental if we are honest before God about our own state of heart on this matter.
Then comes the issue of love, even if we don't like a person, we are to love them, we are sinful people, and sin will raise up from us for petty issues, bigger deeper issues, and as Paul says, "We do what we don't want to do, and don't do what we want to do"
Blessings craig b
"I think not liking everyone is ok"
Yet we are to love each other as Christ loves us.
I can't see that it is possible to love someone but not like them. To say that rationalises our own shortcomings.
The reality is we won't like everyone. But I suspect that's a result of our (and their) sinfulness, and something we shouldn't be satisfied with.
Michael, apologies if that was too heavy. Didn't mean to saturation bomb the thread!
The principles of forgiving a large hurt and a small hurt are pretty much the same.
I guess my attitude is that I will happily offer friendship to anyone who wants to be friends. Anyone who doesn't want to be friends, I don't waste time thinking about.
Perhaps pick out someone from your past (anonymously of course) and tell us why you didn't like them.
regarding your last paragraph Michael, I sometimes wonder if those christians have learnt to master their tongue, as much as they might have learnt to master their dispositions. of course, if one takes the maxim, "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all", one oftens end up being very silent indeed.
- Seumas
Interesting about how we view other people. Have been working through James and at the end of chapter 3 and start of 4 he talks about our interactions and the problems with them. Our wordly passions often get in the way of our relationships. As you said Michael, is our view sometimes because people are a threat, our inward smile at their failures.
Is not liking everybody okay? Um ... have to think that one through some more and this is a tuff one because this is where the rubber hits the road. What did Jesus teach in the sermon on the mount? James at the end of chapter 4 and start of 5 on to talk about common problems with people and their interactions. Its an attitude problem, people have a wrong attitude to God (and therefore plan without a good perspective) or a wrong attitude of others (and therefore treat themselves better than others).
Its easy to love those that like us, how do we love those that don't.
I love the image at the end of a wonderful little book called 'A Wizard of Earthsea'. The main character, Sparrowhawk, is an audacious young punk, who has discovered that he has a special aptitude for wizarding, is sent off to wizard's school in order to master his gifts and use them to fight evil in the world (hmmm, sounds oddly familiar...). Anyway, in this world, like in the Hogwarts-variety, our hero has a special link to the uber-evil nasty guy, though this time, rather than a strange experience as a bub, Sparrowhawk is directly responsible for releasing this dark spirit into the world through his own arrogance and pride. Having faced him once and been overcome, he struggles with fear and self-doubt, but eventually realises that he released this demon; he must face him. So he tracks the dark figure across the world and the sea for many a chapter, finally catching him for a final showdown out on the open sea miles from land.
In this world, wizarding is all about knowing the true, hidden names of things, and once you call something by it's real (Adamic?) name, you have power over it. For this reason, every child has their true name revealed only to them and to none other. 'Sparrowhawk' is thus a 'use-name' (=nickname), which everyone has, so that each can hide their true self. His real name is 'Ged'.
Anyway, having chased this evil that he has caused, and which has appeared to be more powerful than him, out to the ends of the earth for a showdown, they are facing each other amidst the chaos, and both simultaneously cast their spell; BOTH say 'Ged'.
The problem, the weakness, the evil, is the flip-side of the strength. Maturity for Sparrowhawk means naming the demon, and seeing it in, even in one sense *as*, his own self. With this (in some ways quite insightful) doctrine of sin (though the author is no Christian), comes also a complementary insight: character flaws are the flip sides of strengths. So our best aspects will so often be organically linked to our worst flaws, and (here's the pay-off for this discussion - thought it would never come, didn't you?) *vice versa*. What is most annoying in me, can often (in another light) be my greatest strength. And the same goes for those annoying others.
(PS of course, this recognition doesn't remove the need for mortification of vice, for putting off the deeds of the body. It is an opening observation of the way character flaws/strengths often operate, not a justification for remaining in sin).
Sorry for a slightly indulgent trip down memory lane - does highlight the importance of capturing the imagination at a young age: I'm still feeding upon (and being poisoned by) stories I read as a pre-teen.
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